Unfortunately, six weeks on the dot I started the familiar feeling of major nausea.
Now here's the thing- I used to think 'morning sickness' was mostly in pregnant momma's heads- I mean come on - how bad could it possibly be? Ha! I think God wanted to cure me of my skepticism and give me a little more compassion for these poor mommas-to-be. I have learned that lesson LOUD AND CLEAR.
Each of my three pregnancies have gotten progressively more difficult, and this one knocked me down almost completely. Vomiting 15-20 times a day and not able to eat or drink put me in the hospital a few times. Losing 25 pounds in less than 8 weeks would normally be quite the achievement- but holy moly that was rough. When the smell of your house, the smell of your kitchen, and the smell of your husband make you run to the toilet, you might start to go a little bit crazy.
Thanks to meds and the start of the second trimester, I am actually starting to have some good days. Going to the store for the first time in two months was strangely exhilarating (and exhausting).
I basically fell off the face of the earth for 9 weeks- and I am so glad to feel more normal again.
Remember when I said that I am actually thankful for those two months? Let me tell you why:
-I realized how many FABULOUS people I have in my life. So many people prayed for me and for Justin and Kin and Co. Friends brought meals and stocked our freezer so my family could eat. My in-laws watched the kiddos and brought a home cooked meal at least once a week. They kept the babes all weekend when I was in the hospital. My sister got us groceries and came to hang out with the munchkins on her days off. She also held down the fort at work when I couldn't be there. My mom babysat ME almost daily, made sure we had a clean kitchen and food in the fridge, and gave the kids some sense of normalcy. I realize that so many people don't have these kind of people in their lives - and I never want to take them for granted.
-I realized that my worth isn't dependent on what I DO. This was HARD for me this time around. I couldn't physically do what I normally do. I couldn't be the wife, the mom, the friend, the volunteer that I was used to being, and it messed with me BIG TIME. Laying on the couch for two months gives you a lot of time to think. Physically it was hard, but I wasn't expecting the mental and emotionally battle. A few weeks ago I was struggling a lot, and God decided to teach me a lesson while I was laying on the bathroom floor. I was by myself and crying and wondering if I would ever 'be myself' again, and He gently told me that it doesn't matter. At first I was ticked. And then for the next twenty minutes He and I had a long chat. I try too hard sometimes to DO everything I think I need to do to earn love- from Him and from others. And He wants me to know- it doesn't matter. If I was sick for the rest of my life- my value doesn't change. If I couldn't form an intelligent thought (believe me- somedays my mind was mush) - I still had worth. That thought was mind blowing. I don't think I will ever forget those moments on the bathroom floor. And so I am thankful.
-You might have noticed that I didn't mention my husband earlier. That is because he doesn't even fall into the same category as those other wonderful people in my life. Justin Raber is a rockstar. For two months he played 'single dad' while also taking care of me. He gets up with the kids in the morning (and through the night), takes them where they need to be, goes to work, calls multiple times a day to check on me, picks up the kids, brings them home, figures out supper, plays with them with so much enthusiasm and love, gives them baths, gets them in bed, holds my hair back when I am sick, gets my meds, sleeps in a chair at the hospital, does all the laundry, cleans the kitchen, takes me to the doctor, encourages me when I am struggling, tucks me in bed and prays for me, and then usually goes back downstairs for a few hours to clean up the house or work on a project in his workshop. EVERY DAY. THIS is what love looks like. I don't deserve it even a little bit, but I am so thankful for him. Being loved by Justin is the absolute best thing.
-Finally, I am thankful that I am pregnant. I am so grateful for this little life that is joining our family. I am so glad that I am pregnant- no matter how 'hard' it is. These last few months have not been fun, but in the grand scheme of things, this is not hard. HARD is being chronically ill. HARD is not being able to be pregnant at all. HARD is losing a child. This is not hard. This is a blessing that I am so thankful that I get to experience- and I am grateful to have a bigger perspective. So although every moment may not be enjoyable, I am determined to realize that this is good. And for that I am thankful.
Sooo, that is my life over the past two months. Sorry for disappearing for awhile- I am looking forward to reconnecting and feeling more like myself again!
-Carrie
