I have found that while not always easy, marriage is always, always good. I tell people this regularly, and last night I was thinking about why I believe this so strongly. What makes a marriage GOOD? In a world where marriages fall apart left and right, where marriage is belittled and complained about by husbands and wives, where the HARD part of marriage is emphasized over the GOOD part -- I wanted to understand WHY I am so adamant that our marriage is the best thing in my life.
9 years does NOT make me an expert, but it does give me some insight into what works - and what definitely doesn't. So today on our 9th anniversary, here are the four things that I believe have made our marriage work - and work well.
1. Selflessness. Justin Raber models selflessness in such a consistent and intentional way. He puts my needs before his on a daily basis. He empties the dishwasher while he has a dance party with the kids. When he comes home from work - before he ever makes it upstairs - he switches the laundry that I forgot in the washing machine. I have never learned how to make a pot of coffee because he has it brewed perfectly every single morning when I get up. He works a physically demanding job all day and comes home and plays with the kids and helps clean up the kitchen and reads bedtime stories and kisses noses and prays over our family and then heads down to his workshop to work for several more hours - but not before he asks me if I need anything and gives me a hug and tells me that I am a great mom and how proud he is of me - and now go relax for the evening. (not making this up, folks, he really is THAT great).
Is he perfect? Nope. Does he make mistakes? Yep. Does he love me well? Absolutely yes.
I try to look for ways to serve him, and also try to put his needs above my own - it has to go both ways. But he wins by a mile when it comes to modeling true selflessness.
2. Commitment. When we said our vows 9 years ago, we vowed not only to LOVE, but to COMMIT to each other no matter what. We have never doubted that commitment, even when the FEELING of love isn't obvious. Marriage comes in seasons and I am so thankful that I have realized that feelings don't determine commitment. Some seasons I am infatuated and head-over-heels in love with J Rabes. Some seasons though? We are teammates getting through the crazy that is our life. Sometimes we are roommates who barely see each other while running in and out between the busyness of life. A lot of the time we are best friends with so much laughter and fun and we simply enjoy each other's company. 31 year old Carrie and 31 year old Justin are very different that 22 year old Carrie and 22 year old Justin. We are different, but we are committed to US. To our differences and similarities and quirks and weirdness and our life together. We DECIDED to be committed and so we are. Simple as that. We've worked though some STUFF, but we have never questioned the lack of commitment to each other. And it makes our marriage good.
3. Kindness. Seems simple, right? But sometimes the person we are the most unkind to is our spouse. I am a work in progress, but I catch myself if I am being snippy, or speaking to Justin in a way that I wouldn't speak to other people. That snarky comment that sneaks into your brain that could 'win' you the argument but would crush your spouse? Don't say it. That snippy remark about a mistake that your spouse made? Don't verbalize it. Justin Raber has literally never been mean to me in our 13 years together. He has never said anything to me that is intentionally unkind. And I KNOW this isn't the norm in so many relationships, and I am SO thankful.
4. Christ. The thing that holds us together is our relationship with Jesus. He is the common thread that ties our family together and brings us back around to what's important. He is the cornerstone that we base our decisions around and has never let us down. I am so grateful for a spouse who values Christ above all else. I firmly believe that Jesus WANTS good marriages. He WANTS successful relationships. I believe that He will fill in the cracks of our best attempts with truckloads of his grace.
9 years, y'all. It seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime. Thankful for the GOOD that is marriage. Thankful for our family. Thankful for this life. Thankful for Justin. I can't wait to see where life takes us for all of our future anniversaries. Love you big time, J Rabes.
