You're Grounded

"You're grounded."

Chances are you have heard that a time or two in your life. And if you were Carrie (Amstutz) Raber between the ages of 12-17 you heard that on an almost weekly basis. (sorry mom and dad). Even fifteen years later, the sound of those words bring back some pretty strong emotions - mostly negative. No one likes to be grounded. To be cut off from something that you enjoy. To have your life regulated by someone other than you.

But you know what? Being grounded as an adult is sometimes just as necessary as it was when I was 14. Oh some people will call it self discipline, or setting boundaries, or 'choosing to refrain' from certain activities - but when it comes down to it - you are essentially grounding yourself.

I am thankful for parents who took the time and effort and energy to ground me in my younger years. When they saw a behavior or attitude that they knew wasn't pointing me in a direction that I would want to end up in, they curbed it by grounding me. And even though I didn't catch on as quickly as some - which resulted in more 'groundings' than the average bear - I eventually understood the point.

A couple months ago I started feeling ugly. Now it wasn't the look-in-the-mirror-and-cringe type of ugly. Actually the type of ugly that has nothing to do with physical appearance. The type of ugly that makes you feel stuck. And annoyed by tiny things. And cringy about people in general. And irritable. And sick of the rut I was in. And when I let myself think about why, I could immediately pinpoint the ugliness to my beloved social media. So, in order to stay true to Classic Carrie, I immediately brushed off the thought because there was no way in. the. world. I was going to give that up. It was my outlet! My window into the outside world! My connection with friends!

But on November 12, I had finally had enough and I realized that if I wanted big change, I needed to make a big change. So I signed off of social media indefinitely. I grounded myself.

You guys. It was EMBARRASSINGLY HARD. I deleted the apps on my phone and for days I would absentmindedly muscle memory my way to my beloved instagram that was no longer there. I wondered who was posting what. And my nasty prideful self wondered if people missed me - and secretly hoped they did. The whole thing felt like an intense detox.

Bottom line?
I didn't want social media to become my life. And it had.
I didn't want posting pictures of my life to trump my actual life. And it had.
I didn't want to feel obligated to share about our family's Tuesday evening. And I did.
I didn't want to compare myself to other moms. And I did.
I didn't want to be excited to login to see how many people commented on a post. And I was.
I didn't want to NOT post a picture because I thought it wasn't a good angle. And I didn't.
I didn't want to think about a caption everytime I snapped a picture. And I was.

Much like my 16 year old self, it took me quite awhile to recognize that I was on a path that was pointed in a direction I didn't want to go. All those realizations I listed above? I didn't fully recognize them until I had stepped back. Until I had grounded myself from something I enjoyed. As an adult, it is up to me to recognize behaviors and attitudes that aren't aligning with where I want to end up. And it's up to me to do something about it.

So you may be wondering what the month away from the noise of social media has done for my ugliness.

• After only a few days, I realized the FREEDOM I felt. I didn't feel the need to know about other people's every waking moment. I didn't feel the need to snap the perfect picture. I simply lived life. 
• I read books (ACTUAL BOOKS - my first love!).
• I was creative. My mind opened up from the fog of endless scrolling and I was THINKING again. Dreaming and planning and DOING. 
• I spent time with my husband before falling asleep. 
• I spent time in the Word and truly rested in the presence of my Savior - distraction free. 
• I WROTE. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more without the desire of anyone reading what I wrote and it was FABULOUS.
• I celebrated with my family without needing approval from the world. Thanksgiving, my nephew's adoption finalization, getting our Christmas tree, Cohen's 4th birthday -- these were events that were PERFECT for insta-world -- and I honestly didn't feel like I missed out by not sharing. 

Here's the thing. I still love social media. I love the way that it connects people. I love that I can see into the outside world. I love that I can document my little corner of the world in a simple way. But the social media that I loved had become something ugly. I needed to ground myself in order to see that -- and in order to appreciate it for what it can be.

So after a month, will I log back on? 

The answer is yes. 

Yes with some buts. 

Yes, I will logon BUT not at the expense of things that I truly enjoy.

Yes, I will post pictures of my life BUT I will enjoy the life part more than the posting part. 

Yes, I will share when Anna Grace FINALLY decides to walk BUT I will not feel obligated to.

Yes, I will look at pictures of your life BUT I will know that it is a snapshot and be aware of the comparison trap. 

Yes, I will see who likes my pictures BUT I won't let that number determine my value. *typing that seems so extremely silly and glaringly obvious, but holy moly #truth

Yes, I will post the blurry picture with a bad angle BUT I won't care what other people think. 

Yes, I will occasionally come up with a clever caption, BUT I won't let it run my train of thought. 

Yes, I will probably need to ground myself again in the future BUT I will be more aware and not allow myself to fall into the trap of ugliness again. 

Let's let the beauty of this life (and social media) outshine the ugliness that seems to be a constant threat. And sometimes it might take saying 'you're grounded' to your adult self.

And now I give you some unfiltered truth bombs:

• I logged on three times to instagram and once to facebook in the past month. Once to see my sisters pictures of my fabulous nephew, twice to see how a very sick little girl I have been praying for was doing, and once to 'host' a direct sales party that I had previously committed to. I felt like I was cheating on someone!!!! I half loved 'catching up' with everyone /  half hated it. 
• And I know I sounded confident in my 'not needing to post celebrations on insta' rant, but I sometimes twitch about the fact that Cohen's 4th birthday won't be in my chatbooks. So there's that. 
• I am still not completely out of the ugliness rut. The social media break was HUGE and led me to realize that I am craving an overly simplified lifestyle - so watch out 2019!

AND in case you missed our photogenic family, I leave you with our most recent family photo: 

To My First Baby

5 years and 11 months ago they placed you in my arms and my life changed instantly. My heart felt love like I had never felt before — I couldn’t believe you were mine! 24 years old and I was a first time mom. I was equal parts ecstatic and terrified. I didn’t know how to be a mom. We figured it out together though, didn’t we? A lot of second guessing myself, a lot of tears, but so much love. 

 

 

A lot of life has happened in these almost 6 years. You became a big sister twice — and have handled it with grace and excellence. Your heart is kind and I am oh so proud that you are mine. You head to Kindergarten this week and my heart feels like it is ripping out of my chest. Just like that warm fall morning in 2012, I feel equally ecstatic and terrified. 

I have cried so many tears over the past few weeks as I picture you walking into a brand new building with your brand new backpack and sparkly lunchbox. Will you find your best friend on that first day? Will you remember how to open your lunch? Will you know where the bathroom is? Will you belly laugh like you do when you are at home? Oh how I will miss you while you are gone. 

But you will soar, baby girl. You will notice the shy student and quietly sit by them so that they feel comfortable. You will be enamored with your teacher and soak up each word she says. You will show love to everyone and kindness to the underdog. You are ready, sweet girl - it’s your momma who’s not quite ready to let go. 

You made me a momma, and for that I am so thankful. These days are filled with fun and laughter, but also chaos and crazy. But I see you, Miss Mckinley. Even amidst the crazy. Even on the days that I fall into bed and realize that I never got to read that book you asked me to read with you at 10am. 

I see the way that you make sure that Cohen is happy - even if that means that you give up your special toy that was rightfully yours.

I see the way that you gently comfort Anna Grace and redirect her when I am folding laundry in the next room. 

I see that you have your shoes on and help Cohen figure out the right feet while I am running around trying to get everyone out the door. 

I see you knowing the rules and following them without need for affirmation. 

I see you extending grace when your momma messes up.

I see you when you are deep into make believe and are absentmindedly singing praises to Jesus with your own words that are wise beyond your years. 

I see you, sweet girl. And I don’t acknowledge it nearly enough, but you are so very special and God has something huge for your life. I am honored to be your mom. I surely am the luckiest. 

As you head to Kindergarten and to the rest of your life, I only wish for one thing. That your love for Jesus would be the most important thing in your life. That he would guide each step you take. Everything else? Everything else is extra. Oh, we will celebrate the Honor Roll, or making the team, or performing on that big stage - but all those things pale in comparison to a life that is committed to Jesus. And at 5 years old, somehow I think you already know that. 

All my love, little one. Now go do big things. 💜 

To the Working Mommas

When we found out we were expecting our first little love six years ago, Justin and I talked about what we were going to do about my career. Realistically we knew that I would need to continue working in order to have some financial stability, but we also knew that a huge desire was for me to be with our kiddos as much as possible. For us, my commitment to working part time for the past six years has worked well. I get to continue in a career that I love and take pride in, while still having four out of seven days at home with my babies.

It has worked well. And I am thankful for the setup that we have with grandparents to watch our littles on the days that I head off to work.

It has worked well. But it is not easy.

It has worked well. But it leaves me feeling stretched in so many directions.

It has worked well. But I sometimes wish for more time to finish that project at work.

It has worked well. But I daily wish I could stay home and love on my babies.

I was recently talking to a good friend who works a full time job and has a baby and a toddler at home. She was telling me that she longed to be able to stay home with her babies while they are in this stage. In almost the same breath she teared up and confessed that she also feels guilty that sometimes it feels good to escape the diapers and crying and chaos for a few hours of quiet in her office. And I have never understood anything or related to anything more in that moment.

I think staying at home with your children is wonderful. I think a momma's love is like no other and those that have the opportunity to physically be with their babies on a daily basis are doing such important work.

I think that having a career while you have young children is wonderful. I think it shows your children how to be hardworking, driven, and passionate.

But for today, here's to the working mommas. I see you.

I see you waking your babies from sweet sleep in order to get them dressed and take their vitamins and force down their antibiotics and scarf down some breakfast and find the missing shoe in order to get out of the house in time.

I see you going on day four of unwashed momma hair and spraying dry shampoo like a boss, and adding some makeup so your coworkers don't notice that you haven't slept.

I see you cleaning up pukey beds and washing sore bodies through the night, and showing up to work and doing your job as well as you can.

I see you smiling politely when a coworker complains about the fact that the neighbor's dog woke them up twenty minutes early.

I see you chugging that coffee ALL DAY LONG.

I see you snapping at your husband because you are feeling the stress of both worlds and he is an easy target.

I see you dropping off a sniffly baby and wishing you could be the one to wipe her nose that day.

I see you peeling off a crying toddler and explaining that you need to leave for work.

I see you crying in the car on the way to the office because you didn't have enough time to calm his little heart.

I see you praying that they are o.k. and pleading that they know that you love them more than anything in the world.

I see you rushing out of work to pick them up and drive them home to make dinner and do homework and fill their love tanks and get them to bed on time.

I see you wishing there was more time in the day.

I see you cleaning up the house after the babies are sleeping.

I see you trying to prioritize sending those last emails, or watching your show, or spending time with your husband, or going to bed.

I see you not washing your hair again.

I see you feeling guilty when you long for some 'me time' after you have already been away from your babies all week.

I see you feeling guilty when your sweet babes frustrate you and you want to pull your hair out -- because isn't this what you are longing for?

I see you wishing it was different.

I see you thankful that it's not.

I see you working HARD.

I see you loving those babies with all of your heart.

I see you doing what is best for your precious family.

I see you.