You're Grounded

"You're grounded."

Chances are you have heard that a time or two in your life. And if you were Carrie (Amstutz) Raber between the ages of 12-17 you heard that on an almost weekly basis. (sorry mom and dad). Even fifteen years later, the sound of those words bring back some pretty strong emotions - mostly negative. No one likes to be grounded. To be cut off from something that you enjoy. To have your life regulated by someone other than you.

But you know what? Being grounded as an adult is sometimes just as necessary as it was when I was 14. Oh some people will call it self discipline, or setting boundaries, or 'choosing to refrain' from certain activities - but when it comes down to it - you are essentially grounding yourself.

I am thankful for parents who took the time and effort and energy to ground me in my younger years. When they saw a behavior or attitude that they knew wasn't pointing me in a direction that I would want to end up in, they curbed it by grounding me. And even though I didn't catch on as quickly as some - which resulted in more 'groundings' than the average bear - I eventually understood the point.

A couple months ago I started feeling ugly. Now it wasn't the look-in-the-mirror-and-cringe type of ugly. Actually the type of ugly that has nothing to do with physical appearance. The type of ugly that makes you feel stuck. And annoyed by tiny things. And cringy about people in general. And irritable. And sick of the rut I was in. And when I let myself think about why, I could immediately pinpoint the ugliness to my beloved social media. So, in order to stay true to Classic Carrie, I immediately brushed off the thought because there was no way in. the. world. I was going to give that up. It was my outlet! My window into the outside world! My connection with friends!

But on November 12, I had finally had enough and I realized that if I wanted big change, I needed to make a big change. So I signed off of social media indefinitely. I grounded myself.

You guys. It was EMBARRASSINGLY HARD. I deleted the apps on my phone and for days I would absentmindedly muscle memory my way to my beloved instagram that was no longer there. I wondered who was posting what. And my nasty prideful self wondered if people missed me - and secretly hoped they did. The whole thing felt like an intense detox.

Bottom line?
I didn't want social media to become my life. And it had.
I didn't want posting pictures of my life to trump my actual life. And it had.
I didn't want to feel obligated to share about our family's Tuesday evening. And I did.
I didn't want to compare myself to other moms. And I did.
I didn't want to be excited to login to see how many people commented on a post. And I was.
I didn't want to NOT post a picture because I thought it wasn't a good angle. And I didn't.
I didn't want to think about a caption everytime I snapped a picture. And I was.

Much like my 16 year old self, it took me quite awhile to recognize that I was on a path that was pointed in a direction I didn't want to go. All those realizations I listed above? I didn't fully recognize them until I had stepped back. Until I had grounded myself from something I enjoyed. As an adult, it is up to me to recognize behaviors and attitudes that aren't aligning with where I want to end up. And it's up to me to do something about it.

So you may be wondering what the month away from the noise of social media has done for my ugliness.

• After only a few days, I realized the FREEDOM I felt. I didn't feel the need to know about other people's every waking moment. I didn't feel the need to snap the perfect picture. I simply lived life. 
• I read books (ACTUAL BOOKS - my first love!).
• I was creative. My mind opened up from the fog of endless scrolling and I was THINKING again. Dreaming and planning and DOING. 
• I spent time with my husband before falling asleep. 
• I spent time in the Word and truly rested in the presence of my Savior - distraction free. 
• I WROTE. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more without the desire of anyone reading what I wrote and it was FABULOUS.
• I celebrated with my family without needing approval from the world. Thanksgiving, my nephew's adoption finalization, getting our Christmas tree, Cohen's 4th birthday -- these were events that were PERFECT for insta-world -- and I honestly didn't feel like I missed out by not sharing. 

Here's the thing. I still love social media. I love the way that it connects people. I love that I can see into the outside world. I love that I can document my little corner of the world in a simple way. But the social media that I loved had become something ugly. I needed to ground myself in order to see that -- and in order to appreciate it for what it can be.

So after a month, will I log back on? 

The answer is yes. 

Yes with some buts. 

Yes, I will logon BUT not at the expense of things that I truly enjoy.

Yes, I will post pictures of my life BUT I will enjoy the life part more than the posting part. 

Yes, I will share when Anna Grace FINALLY decides to walk BUT I will not feel obligated to.

Yes, I will look at pictures of your life BUT I will know that it is a snapshot and be aware of the comparison trap. 

Yes, I will see who likes my pictures BUT I won't let that number determine my value. *typing that seems so extremely silly and glaringly obvious, but holy moly #truth

Yes, I will post the blurry picture with a bad angle BUT I won't care what other people think. 

Yes, I will occasionally come up with a clever caption, BUT I won't let it run my train of thought. 

Yes, I will probably need to ground myself again in the future BUT I will be more aware and not allow myself to fall into the trap of ugliness again. 

Let's let the beauty of this life (and social media) outshine the ugliness that seems to be a constant threat. And sometimes it might take saying 'you're grounded' to your adult self.

And now I give you some unfiltered truth bombs:

• I logged on three times to instagram and once to facebook in the past month. Once to see my sisters pictures of my fabulous nephew, twice to see how a very sick little girl I have been praying for was doing, and once to 'host' a direct sales party that I had previously committed to. I felt like I was cheating on someone!!!! I half loved 'catching up' with everyone /  half hated it. 
• And I know I sounded confident in my 'not needing to post celebrations on insta' rant, but I sometimes twitch about the fact that Cohen's 4th birthday won't be in my chatbooks. So there's that. 
• I am still not completely out of the ugliness rut. The social media break was HUGE and led me to realize that I am craving an overly simplified lifestyle - so watch out 2019!

AND in case you missed our photogenic family, I leave you with our most recent family photo: