2 weeks ago life was normal. We had a quiet Sunday at home and I was preparing to go back to work after Christmas break on Monday. I texted my sister throughout the day, talking about nothing in particular and sending her ideas for her baby's nursery. We were happy. We were hopeful. And we never anticipated what the next 36 hours would bring.
2 weeks. 2 weeks that feel like a thousand years but also feel like 10 seconds. 2 weeks that have been both surreal and all too real.
When Emily and Justin told us they were pregnant, we were completely overjoyed. We celebrated. And planned. And prayed for the sweet baby who would join our family. And dreamt of a future with a sweet little baby who would be one month old for our friend-cation. Who would be four months old for our family trip to Disney. Who would be six months old at Christmas. We had big hopes and big dreams. So the phone call I got 13 days ago literally knocked me down. No heartbeat. Emily would be induced at 7pm. She would deliver a baby who was already with Jesus. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Not to the couple who had survived this nightmare just 16months before. Who had never wavered and had proclaimed the goodness of their God through their worst nightmare. This could not be happening. But it was. And it did. And I was mad. Why? Why would our loving God allow this to happen to my sister again? To our family again?
Emily and Justin were strong and focused and Katie Elizabeth Smith was born at 6:42 on January 5. She was loved and held and treasured for the short time that we had with her. She now knows perfect pace in the presence of Jesus and her brother Caden. Heaven is feeling more and more like home now, and we long to be there.
We rejoice knowing that Katie is with her maker and will never experience pain or sorrow. But here on earth it hurts. It cuts deep. I feel wounded and defeated and confused and angry. My sister and her Justin are undoubtedly the strongest people I know. They are hurting. But they have never doubted the goodness of God. The day after Katie was born, Emily told me that she wasn't angry with God at all. Wow. What? Because I was angry. And still struggle with being angry. Oh I know that God is good. And I know that He has been sustaining us. And I don't love him any less. But I don't understand and so I am mad. My heart is broken and is having a hard time catching up with what my mind knows about our God. That he loves us. And he is good. And his ways are not my ways.
Grief is hard. And weird. And definitely a process. Grief is also so different for every person. For me, I am grieving the niece that I won't get to snuggle. The niece that I was going to get to spoil. The cousin that my kids were anticipating with excitement. So I grieve. Bitterly. But just as strong as my grief for my sweet niece is, my grief for my sister is just as intense. This is the person who has been my closest friend. The person that I share everything with. The person who loves my kids as her own. The person that I have looked up to for my entire life. The person who I love more than almost anyone. My person. No one should have to lose a child. No one. But it is unthinkable that anyone should have to go through it twice. Especially my sister. My grief for her is strong. Watching someone that you love go through something so terrible hurts so much. I feel physical pain for her. I wish it would have happened to me instead of her again. I would do anything to take away her pain and it makes me so angry that I can't do anything to help or stop her pain. So I grieve. And try to process. And try to trust.
Emily and Justin's strength and faith are unbelievable. But they are hurting and grieving. Please don't forget to pray. We feel the prayers and are not back to normal life yet. Please don't forget to pray. Pray for strength. Pray for faith. Pray for hope to come again.
I know that God is good. I know that his love for us is huge. I know that his plan is perfect. I am now waiting and praying that my heart can heal. I know that it will. Because He cares for me and loves me. Even when I am mad.
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