Three Weeks In

Our Anna Grace is three weeks old and we are absolutely loving life with her in it! We were so excited to meet the fifth member of the family, and she was definitely worth the wait. We have been soaking up all of her sweetness over the past 18 days - but time is just WON'T SLOW DOWN, and I don't want to forget all of her little details - including the story of how she entered the world. So here is the story of Miss Anna Grace.

On Thursday, October 12 I woke up at 2:00a.m. with a sharp contraction. Being five days past my due date, I was irrationally excited that this might be the real thing, and willed my body to keep contracting. The contractions kept coming, about twenty minutes apart and strong enough to keep me awake, but no matter what I did they wouldn't speed up.

*Now I must interrupt this story to remind you that I was FIVE DAYS past my due date after what had been a very long and painful and exhausting nine months, so I was OBVIOUSLY very rational at this point.*

I woke Justin up around 5:00a.m. to tell him that I was contracting every twenty minutes, but not to get his hopes up because I was never going to actually go into labor and have this baby and that the contractions were going to stop soon and that I would be pregnant forever (see the rationality and realism oozing from my mouth?!). We decided that he should probably just go to work, and that I would keep him posted.

My mom came over around 8:00a.m. to hang out with me and the kids, and my contractions stayed about twenty minutes apart until noon. Around noon they started coming every ten to twelve minutes, which gave me the motivation to walk around my neighborhood IN THE RAIN. I made a twenty minute loop down our hill, up another hill, back down the hill, and back up to our house. Let me tell you, a forty-plus week pregnant woman, walking in the rain, up and down hills, pausing with my hands on my knees to get through contractions, gets A LOT OF LOOKS. Ha!

By 3:00p.m., my contractions were consistently 7 minutes apart and had become much stronger. I was still not quite in my right mind, because I was still convinced that this wasn't real labor and that I wouldn't be needing to go to the hospital any time soon. My mom convinced me to at least call Justin and tell him that he might need to think about coming home. From 3:00-5:00p.m. my contractions increased in intensity and were about 6 minutes apart. Justin had just gotten home and when I couldn't stand the pain anymore, Justin convinced me that we should head to the hospital.

We pulled into the hospital parking lot around 5:30p.m. and got through another contraction in the van before heading in. As we were walking into the hospital, I half cried, half yelled to Justin that this HAD TO be the real thing, and what if they send me home and if they do I am going to have an actual MENTAL BREAKDOWN (again, notice the stability of the pregnant woman). Also, Justin agreed that they HAD TO KEEP ME FOR ALL OF OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY.

The nurses took me to a room and started the admission process (PRAISE THE LORD). I was 4 cm dilated, which was somewhat discouraging, BUT I was admitted, and life was GOOD. Other than the excruciating pain, I was on cloud nine and giddy with excitement that our baby girl was coming! They started the process of getting my epidural set up, and by 7:15p.m. my excitement level increased by approximately ONE BILLION percent because my baby was still coming, and I was PAIN FREE. Can I just take a moment to mention the fact that epidurals are the most wonderful thing that has ever been created?! I mean, intense pain IMMEDIATELY alleviated. Bottom line: I LOVE DRUGS.

When Justin came back in the room, he found a whole new woman. His first comment to me was, "I haven't seen you smile like that in nine months. I think I have my wife back!" Seriously, once my epidural took affect, I realized that I hadn't felt that comfortable in MONTHS. I had no pain, only pressure, and I could actually relax. Again, DRUGS.

At that point, I told Justin to pull out the list of names that we had brought along, because we should probably decide what we were naming our baby. We had a list of six names that we liked, but couldn't decide on who our girl would be. We narrowed it down to two names that we both loved, and didn't have a preference between the two. Enter our FABULOUS nurse. After three babies, I have realized that your labor and delivery nurses either make or break your experience. We lucked out BIG TIME, because our nurse was fantastic. She was attentive, reassuring, capable, and made our experience wonderful. ANYWAY, our nurse came in as we were giggling over our name dilemma, and so I suggested that we have our nurse choose the name! I *think* she may have thought we were a bit crazy, but she loved Anna Grace, and so we finally knew that Anna Grace was almost here. *Side note, we are planning on calling her 'Anna Grace'*

Our nurse checked me around 10:00p.m. and said that I was over 9 cm dilated, and that it was almost go time! The labor and delivery unit was super busy that evening - with seven women in active labor. My doctor was the one on call, and was running back and forth between rooms to see who would deliver first. The woman next door had her baby within five minutes of getting to her room, and then we were next! Our doctor came to our door, but was called away to do an emergency c-section, but was back by 10:30p.m. and we were ready to push!

The entire time we were at the hospital, Anna Grace's heart rate kept dropping, but would climb back up quickly enough to not be too much of a concern. I pushed several times, with no progress, and my doctor looked at me and said that baby girl's heat rate was dropping significantly and not recovering well, and the best option to get her out quickly enough was to use suction. The next minutes were a whirlwind of more nurses coming into the room as well as a pediatric doctor as I continued to push and the doctor used the vacuum to help coax her out. Those minutes were intense and scary. I looked at Justin with fearful eyes, and he assured me that it was going to be o.k. and that I was doing great.

She was finally born at 10:42p.m., completely blue and almost gray. The doctor cut the cord quickly and passed her off to the pediatrician and we finally heard the most beautiful sound of her tiny cry. The tears were flowing and even from across the room I realized that she was absolutely perfect and that she looked so much like her siblings and that my heart had just grown even more than I thought was possible.

After the doctors gave her the all clear, I finally got to snuggle my precious girl. She was tiny and oh so perfect. Both of my other babies were over 8 pounds, and this one was obviously smaller - Justin guessed 7 pounds, but she weighed in at a hefty 6 pounds 2 ounces and was 18.5 inches long.  Justin and I spent the next two hours snuggling our baby and marveling at her tiny features. She had long fingernails (seriously needed trimmed as soon as she was born), a small head (my other babies had large noggins), and was practically perfect in every way.

After she was born, my doctor said that it was a good thing that she was as small as she was, or she probably wouldn't have been able to be born naturally. She (unknown to us) was flipped face up, which makes a vaginal delivery difficult and usually results in an emergency c-section. She was just the perfect size, and I am so thankful. Her heart rate issues during birth made it necessary that she was born quickly, and because she was tiny - even five days overdue - she came just in time.

Because she was so tiny, her sugar levels had to be monitored for the first 24 hours - and only dipped too low once - but her poor heel had to be pricked so many times. We ended up staying an extra night because her bilirubin level was elevated (more heel pokes!), so she spent twelve hours under the lights until they gave us the all clear to head home!

God's timing is always perfect. I know this, but I want things on my own terms in my own timing. I was BEYOND impatient to have this little girl earthside. At 36 weeks, my fluid levels were low and she was measuring small, so the possibility of delivering early was very real. In hindsight, I am so thankful that my fluid level stayed high enough, because she would have been even smaller than they projected. 6 pounds 2 ounces was the perfect size. My body didn't go into labor until the exact right time - big enough to thrive, small enough to be born quickly enough in labor. I realize that this was God orchestrating every detail perfectly. And I am thankful. 

These three weeks have been flying by. She is such a chill baby who fits into our family perfectly. It feels so normal to add her to our family - and every time I look at her, or Mckinley, or Cohen, or Justin, I am overwhelmed with so much gratefulness.

Anna Grace, we love you more than you will ever know. These three weeks have been the best three weeks of our lives. Our family is complete and this momma is verging on normal. Life is good and we are thankful.

Desiring Normal

Do you ever feel like you are functioning in a way that is as far away from normal as you can possibly get? That you are so far removed from normal that you don't even fully know what normal is or ever was? When the days are a blur and normal seems like a distant memory and completely out of reach? At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, this 'not-normal' has been my life for the past eight months.

Back in February when we officially found out that we were expecting baby number three, I had exactly 24 hours to revel in the excitement of new life and remain hopeful that I wouldn't be as sick as the first two rounds. That hope was short lived when I woke up the next morning with intense nausea and vomiting - a familiar but unwelcome friend that reared its ugly head at six weeks on the dot. The next three months were hard. Constant sickness, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, meds, extreme weight loss, and general misery. Trying to direct a preschool, be a wife and mother, and keep up with everything I was involved in proved to be impossible to juggle. I couldn't form a full thought -- let alone an intelligent one. I struggled with knowing my worth. I struggled with letting so many people down. I struggled with feeling so abnormal.

Fortunately, the summer months gave me some relief from constant sickness. I have had to adjust my diet significantly, gluten and dairy have me keeling over in pain. I have dealt with Pelvic Girdle Pain (isn't that a lovely name?!) which causes quite the pain when walking, sitting, laying, standing -- oh wait - mostly every position there is. This last month of pregnancy there has been a lot of pain and stomach issues, exhaustion from lack of sleep, extra appointments to make sure baby girl is growing, and now a lot of swelling as we await this little one's arrival. Let me be clear - I generally respond with 'We're doing good! Excited for baby to get here!' when asked how I am doing. I truly mean it. I am grateful for this life. I am thankful for a healthy baby girl and that I get the chance to bring her into the world.

I have become quite the expert at faking normal to everyone but those that I am closest to. I am convinced that Justin is a saint and has earned many, MANY crowns for his patience through our three pregnancies. Mckinley told me the other night that she is excited to meet baby sister so that she can hold her, and that she is excited for the baby to 'not be in mommy's tummy anymore so that you can feel better', and my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. I long for normal for myself, but I long for normal for my family even more.

While I am forever grateful for pregnancy and motherhood, I long for normal. The other night I was crying in bed next to Justin and was wailing very intelligent sentences like "I am never going to have this baby! I am going to be pregnant forever! I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!" And then I got to thinking - what is normal? What am I even longing for? What am I striving to get 'back to'? Normal is an extremely relative concept, but once I thought about it a little more, I realized that I am longing for MY NORMAL, and this is WHAT I WANT:

-Rolling over in bed in one swift motion with no groaning or wincing.
-Making plans and being able to follow through with them.
-Sleeping.
-Not snapping at the ones I love the most.
-Playing with my kids without pain.
-Eating salsa.
-Remembering things.
-Going on walks.
-Thinking clearly.
-Fitting into my clothes.
-Feeling competent.
-Laughing more than crying.
-Controlling my emotions.
-Tying my shoes.
-Feeling good.
-Drinking a glass of milk.
-Hosting people in our home.
-Loving my husband well.
-Loving my kids well.
-Loving myself well.

Normal. It isn't the same for everyone, but for me it is what I want more than anything right now. Nothing overly crazy. Nothing extreme. Just normal. This sweet babe will be here before we know it. Each day that we wait seems excruciatingly long, but she WILL come, and I can't wait to snuggle her freshness and begin the return to normal.

48 Hours, A Tiny Baby, and a BIG God

It's amazing what can happen in just 48 hours, isn't it?

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for surrounding our family with prayers and encouragement for the past few days. The notes of support, genuine concern, and heartfelt prayers were definitely felt and appreciated.

So here's the story of the past 48 hours.

Two days ago at our checkup for baby girl, my doctor was concerned with my lack of weight gain as well as the size of my baby bump. Through the first three months of this pregnancy, I lost close to thirty pounds from extreme morning (ha) sickness. I have gained about fifteen of those pounds back, but have been at a steady weight for the past couple months. Because of this stall in weight gain, my doctor ordered a growth ultrasound to check the size of the baby as well as a check of  my of amniotic fluid. The growth ultrasound showed that baby girl was measuring very small for her gestational age. Overall, she was measuring in the 10th percentile, which was a much lower percentile than her last ultrasound a few months ago. A specific concern was the size of her stomach, measuring only in the 2nd percentile -- which is obviously very small and not consistent with the rest of her body size. Her estimated weight currently was under five pounds. My amniotic fluid was measuring very low - still technically in the 'normal' range, but as low as it can get to be considered normal. 

After the growth ultrasound on Tuesday, my doctor referred me to a high risk doctor at Akron Children's Hospital. She wanted another ultrasound done, with a few other tests to determine if the baby was getting adequate blood flow and whether or not baby girl should be born now to monitor her outside of the womb. 

Being told that there could be complications in the final few weeks of pregnancy was overwhelming and scary. Not knowing what was going on with our baby girl made us feel out of control and wanting answers. I love feeling her move and kick, but I would feel so much more comfortable if she was here an in our arms and I KNEW she was ok. 

Waiting 48 hours for our appointment seemed like a lifetime. I cried and prayed and worried and cried some more. I didn't sleep. I pictured every possible outcome. I cried some more. I received texts and emails and messages and phone calls from people who love our family so well. I came home to gorgeous flowers on our porch and cried some more.

The song 'Jesus Loves Me' played over and over in my head. This simple song that spoke so close to my heart.

Jesus Love Me, this I know. 

For the Bible tells me so. 

Little ones to him belong. 

They are weak, but he is strong. 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so. 

The amount of love that I have for my babies isn't measurable. Any mom knows this love. Loving your children is the strongest emotion that I think a person can experience. Love so big that I can't even put it into words. It almost hurts how much I love my kids. Not being in control of what happens to them almost takes my breath away. But then I think about the fact that even though the love I have for my babies is HUGE, the love that Jesus has for them is even bigger. Unfathomable. So I reminded myself of this fact over and over and over the past two days. And tried to trust and let go of the control that I didn't even have in the first place. 

So this morning we headed to Akron for our appointment. I was nervous, but I was more anxious about finding out some answers. Our ultrasound was first, and seeing our sweet baby was so reassuring. Our ultrasound technician was wonderful, and was great at letting us know what she was seeing as she performed the ultrasound. She started by reviewing our files from our previous ultrasound noting that the baby was measuring so small, and mentioning the concern about her stomach size and my amniotic fluid. When she started taking her measurements, she kept shaking her head in confusion. 

PEOPLE. Our baby WAS tiny, but our God is BIG. 

Baby girl is still definitely on the small side, but she GREW. In 48 hours. And not just a little bit, she is considered small, but her size is now of NO CONCERN. Her overall size is measuring in the 23rd percentile. Our ultrasound technician measured her stomach probably 25 times, and kept saying, "I don't get it - her stomach is measuring completely normal?!" We are talking 2nd percentile on Tuesday, to 19th percentile on Thursday.

I know that God is beefing this girl up. I know that God made her grow that significantly in 48 hours. I know that God answered our prayers. 

And yet I was surprised. Shocked. Why am I always surprised when God does exactly what I ask for? When he actually goes above and beyond what our prayers are pleading for?

So for now, baby girl is growing inside, and we are waiting for her to make her debut. My fluid level is still very low, so they will continue to monitor the amount of fluid which may mean I will need to be induced sooner than later. Baby girl is in position to start labor, and I am actually having pretty decent contractions on and off today, nothing overly consistent, but enough to know that she may be here before we know it.

Thank you for praying and believing with us. God is so good, isn't he? I know that it is easy to say that God is good when prayers are answered the way that we want them to be. The fact is that He would still be good if we had to update you with 'bad' news. But today we are rejoicing in thankfulness that our baby is growing and strong. 

...they are weak, but HE IS STRONG.

7 Things We've Learned in 7 Years of Marriage

I met Justin Raber in 2004. He was the 'new kid' at school - I was a sophomore and he was a junior. Because our school was so small, I definitely knew who he was, but we had different circles of friends, so we didn't really know each other beyond simple recognition. At the time, I thought of Justin Raber as the kid who was too cool for school with his curly afro, studded belt, black converse sneakers, puca shell necklace, and love of all things music. At one point we stood next to each other in choir, and I realized that he was very nice and extremely polite. A lot of girls were crushing on him, and I was too, but I was not in the market for a boyfriend, and honestly thought I wouldn't stand a chance. 


Fast forward to my senior year. Justin was going to a local college, I was enjoying my senior year. I had decided not to be a cheerleader my senior season, so I was able to simply go to all of the basketball games - and as luck would have it, Justin was always there to watch his brother play. We started hanging out with a group of mutual friends after all the games, and it didn't take long for the two of us to connect. We usually ended up sitting next to each other and laughing and talking nonstop. Through those months we became good friends and if I was being honest, I was falling for him hard. He called one night and asked if I had a date to senior banquet (Christian school 'prom'), and asked if he could take me. I calmly said 'sure!', and then hung up the phone and squealed with giddiness. Banquet was our official first date, and that night when he dropped me off at home he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was a WRECK, and stumbled over every word, I was calm and nonchalant, and then ran in the house and jumped on my sisters bed to giggle and scream and FREAK OUT BECAUSE JUSTIN RABER WAS MY BOYFRIEND. That was 11 years ago.

Our four years of dating were wonderful. I was in college on Mt Vernon, and came home every weekend to spend time with Justin. We talked on the phone every night for hours and covered every topic under the sun. About six months into our relationship, he brought up the fact that he wasn't dating me just for fun, that he was dating me because he saw me as his wife some day. I once again stayed calm and agreed, but hung up the phone and screamed in my dorm room and did a little dance.  The summer before my junior year at college, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. It was the easiest 'yes' I have ever said. We got married on June 26, 2010 and it was the most fabulous day.

Seven years of being married to the man of my dreams. It has been so so wonderful. Not always easy, but always so good. For 11 years Justin has been by my side - that is a big chunk of my life. Although we have had our hard times and struggles, and not every moment has been sunshine and roses, we both agree that being married has not been hard. Choosing to be committed to each other has never been a struggle. I realize completely that this isn't the case for many couples, and so I have been thinking about why our perspective of our marriage is so different than so many people. Why our marriage sometimes seems 'easy' in light of marriages around us.

I think there are a lot of reasons why, and so here are 7, to celebrate our 7 years of marriage!

1) Christ really is at the center of our marriage. It sounds cliche, but keeping a focus on Christ - in spite of everything swirling around us - is what grounds us. Realizing that our marriage is ultimately to honor Christ is such a different perspective. It's not about me, or Justin, or even us as a couple, it is about Christ and what our marriage can do to grow his kingdom. We sometimes get sidetracked from this focus, and have to reset. I promise you though, serving Christ TOGETHER is the best thing that you can do for your marriage. Plus, it's so fun to watch Christ move and work through your spouse.


2) It's about serving. I'll be honest, this one is hard for me. I am a very selfish person. Being married (and having kids) reinforced the fact that I naturally look out for my interests. Thankfully, Justin models this so well for me, and I am learning as we go (and he is beyond patient). Doing things that you might not enjoy, simply because you know that it will help your spouse is so important - and shows your love in such a strong way.

3) Fight fair. As I said before, not every moment is sunshine and roses. Arguments come up. Disagreements happen. He drives you batty. I get irrationally upset. WE GET IT. We definitely have our fights, but one thing that we have never done is take cheap shots at each other - and I think it has strengthened our marriage. In my anger, even if something crosses my mind to say to 'one up' him in a fight, but I realize it would crush him, I DON'T SAY IT. Seriously people, Justin is MUCH better at this than me (notice a trend?!). In our eleven years of being together, he has never said one mean thing to me. We have argued and fought and disagreed, but we intentionally respect each other through our struggles.

4) Laugh. A LOT. I love to laugh, and Justin is a pro at making me laugh- even when I don't want to. Believe me- even if you are in a mood and want to stay mad, but he makes a ridiculous comment, let yourself laugh. Giggle with each other, laugh at each other, and go out of your way to get a smile from your spouse.

5) Communicate. Another cliche marriage tip- but so very important. I think one of the reasons our marriage has been great is because of all the communicating we did BEFORE we ever even got married. We literally talked about everything. No subject was off limits, so we had a very good understanding of what we were getting into when we tied the knot. Communicating throughout everyday life is equally important. With the hectic pace of life, sometimes we have to stop and reconnect just by carving out time to talk to each other. We usually realize we are due for a heart to heart when we get annoyed with each other approximately every other second. Communicating about frustrations we have against our spouse is also vitally important. If we don't, those little frustrations fester and grow into something huge - when communicating early on would diffuse the fire. I can usually tell when something is bothering Justin, and when I ask him what's wrong, he usually says 'nothing' for about two days until it finally comes out. Now, when I ask him what's wrong, I add 'either tell me now, instead of waiting until tomorrow, or if nothing is actually wrong, then start acting normal again" (ha!) But listen - it works!! He usually smiles and then tells me what's bothering him and then we can deal with it right then.

6) Invest in your marriage. Obviously we love our kids, and obviously we love them more than life. But we CHOOSE to love each other - and that is our priority. Making your spouse the priority will make your marriage, your kids, and your life SO MUCH BETTER. So how do we invest? Lots of little ways, some bigger. We have done marriage retreats, date nights, a yearly anniversary overnight trip, you get the picture. Don't think you have time or resources to invest in your marriage? I say line up your priorities, and you will. We don't have much extra money, and even less extra time, but we make it work because it is the priority in our lives. (Ps- we asked for a marriage retreat weekend for Christmas from my parents - and it was the best gift!)

7) Red light rule. Justin implemented this rule when we were dating. If you are in the car and stopped at a red light, you are required to kiss. Still to this day Justin will yell 'red light rule!' and lean over for a smooch. It works. And makes me laugh every time. The kids scream from the backseat, but I highly recommend it.

We only have seven years of marriage experience, so we are in no way experts. I do think God has blessed our marriage, and I am so thankful.

What advice would you add?

Thankful

The past few months have been a crazy ride - but one that I am strangely thankful for. On February 10 we found out we were expecting the fifth member of our family! We were excited, overwhelmed, and praying that maybe I wouldn't be as sick this time around. 

Unfortunately, six weeks on the dot I started the familiar feeling of major nausea.

 Now here's the thing- I used to think 'morning sickness' was mostly in pregnant momma's heads- I mean come on - how bad could it possibly be? Ha! I think God wanted to cure me of my skepticism and give me a little more compassion for these poor mommas-to-be. I have learned that lesson LOUD AND CLEAR. 

Each of my three pregnancies have gotten progressively more difficult, and this one knocked me down almost completely. Vomiting 15-20 times a day and not able to eat or drink put me in the hospital a few times. Losing 25 pounds in less than 8 weeks would normally be quite the achievement- but holy moly that was rough. When the smell of your house, the smell of your kitchen, and the smell of your husband make you run to the toilet, you might start to go a little bit crazy. 

Thanks to meds and the start of the second trimester, I am actually starting to have some good days. Going to the store  for the first time in two months was strangely exhilarating (and exhausting). 

I basically fell off the face of the earth for 9 weeks- and I am so glad to feel more normal again. 

Remember when I said that I am actually thankful for those two months? Let me tell you why:

-I realized how many FABULOUS people I have in my life. So many people prayed for me and for Justin and Kin and Co. Friends brought meals and stocked our freezer so my family could eat. My in-laws watched the kiddos and brought a home cooked meal at least once a week. They kept the babes all weekend when I was in the hospital. My sister got us groceries and came to hang out with the munchkins on her days off. She also held down the fort at work when I couldn't be there. My mom babysat ME almost daily, made sure we had a clean kitchen and food in the fridge, and gave the kids some sense of normalcy. I realize that so many people don't have these kind of people in their lives - and I never want to take them for granted. 

-I realized that my worth isn't dependent on what I DO. This was HARD for me this time around. I couldn't physically do what I normally do. I couldn't be the wife, the mom, the friend, the volunteer that I was used to being, and it messed with me BIG TIME. Laying on the couch for two months gives you a lot of time to think. Physically it was hard, but I wasn't expecting the mental and emotionally battle. A few weeks ago I was struggling a lot, and God decided to teach me a lesson while I was laying on the bathroom floor. I was by myself and crying and wondering if I would ever 'be myself' again, and He gently told me that it doesn't matter. At first I was ticked. And then for the next twenty minutes He and I had a long chat. I try too hard sometimes to DO everything I think I need to do to earn love- from Him and from others. And He wants me to know- it doesn't matter. If I was sick for the rest of my life- my value doesn't change. If I couldn't form an intelligent thought (believe me- somedays my mind was mush) - I still had worth. That thought was mind blowing. I don't think I will ever forget those moments on the bathroom floor. And so I am thankful. 

-You might have noticed that I didn't mention my husband earlier. That is because he doesn't even fall into the same category as those other wonderful people in my life. Justin Raber is a rockstar. For two months he played 'single dad' while also taking care of me. He gets up with the kids in the morning (and through the night), takes them where they need to be, goes to work, calls multiple times a day to check on me, picks up the kids, brings them home, figures out supper, plays with them with so much enthusiasm and love, gives them baths, gets them in bed, holds my hair back when I am sick, gets my meds, sleeps in a chair at the hospital, does all the laundry, cleans the kitchen, takes me to the doctor, encourages me when I am struggling, tucks me in bed and prays for me, and then usually goes back downstairs for a few hours to clean up the house or work on a project in his workshop. EVERY DAY. THIS is what love looks like. I don't deserve it even a little bit, but I am so thankful for him. Being loved by Justin is the absolute best thing. 

-Finally, I am thankful that I am pregnant. I am so grateful for this little life that is joining our family. I am so glad that I am pregnant- no matter how 'hard' it is. These last few months have not been fun, but in the grand scheme of things, this is not hard. HARD is being chronically ill. HARD is not being able to be pregnant at all. HARD is losing a child. This is not hard. This is a blessing that I am so thankful that I get to experience- and I am grateful to have a bigger perspective. So although every moment may not be enjoyable, I am determined to realize that this is good. And for that I am thankful.

Sooo, that is my life over the past two months. Sorry for disappearing for awhile- I am looking forward to reconnecting and feeling more like myself again! 

-Carrie