Back in February when we officially found out that we were expecting baby number three, I had exactly 24 hours to revel in the excitement of new life and remain hopeful that I wouldn't be as sick as the first two rounds. That hope was short lived when I woke up the next morning with intense nausea and vomiting - a familiar but unwelcome friend that reared its ugly head at six weeks on the dot. The next three months were hard. Constant sickness, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, meds, extreme weight loss, and general misery. Trying to direct a preschool, be a wife and mother, and keep up with everything I was involved in proved to be impossible to juggle. I couldn't form a full thought -- let alone an intelligent one. I struggled with knowing my worth. I struggled with letting so many people down. I struggled with feeling so abnormal.
Fortunately, the summer months gave me some relief from constant sickness. I have had to adjust my diet significantly, gluten and dairy have me keeling over in pain. I have dealt with Pelvic Girdle Pain (isn't that a lovely name?!) which causes quite the pain when walking, sitting, laying, standing -- oh wait - mostly every position there is. This last month of pregnancy there has been a lot of pain and stomach issues, exhaustion from lack of sleep, extra appointments to make sure baby girl is growing, and now a lot of swelling as we await this little one's arrival. Let me be clear - I generally respond with 'We're doing good! Excited for baby to get here!' when asked how I am doing. I truly mean it. I am grateful for this life. I am thankful for a healthy baby girl and that I get the chance to bring her into the world.
I have become quite the expert at faking normal to everyone but those that I am closest to. I am convinced that Justin is a saint and has earned many, MANY crowns for his patience through our three pregnancies. Mckinley told me the other night that she is excited to meet baby sister so that she can hold her, and that she is excited for the baby to 'not be in mommy's tummy anymore so that you can feel better', and my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. I long for normal for myself, but I long for normal for my family even more.
While I am forever grateful for pregnancy and motherhood, I long for normal. The other night I was crying in bed next to Justin and was wailing very intelligent sentences like "I am never going to have this baby! I am going to be pregnant forever! I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!" And then I got to thinking - what is normal? What am I even longing for? What am I striving to get 'back to'? Normal is an extremely relative concept, but once I thought about it a little more, I realized that I am longing for MY NORMAL, and this is WHAT I WANT:
-Rolling over in bed in one swift motion with no groaning or wincing.
-Making plans and being able to follow through with them.
-Sleeping.
-Not snapping at the ones I love the most.
-Playing with my kids without pain.
-Eating salsa.
-Remembering things.
-Going on walks.
-Thinking clearly.
-Fitting into my clothes.
-Feeling competent.
-Laughing more than crying.
-Controlling my emotions.
-Tying my shoes.
-Feeling good.
-Drinking a glass of milk.
-Hosting people in our home.
-Loving my husband well.
-Loving my kids well.
-Loving myself well.
Normal. It isn't the same for everyone, but for me it is what I want more than anything right now. Nothing overly crazy. Nothing extreme. Just normal. This sweet babe will be here before we know it. Each day that we wait seems excruciatingly long, but she WILL come, and I can't wait to snuggle her freshness and begin the return to normal.
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