Desiring Normal

Do you ever feel like you are functioning in a way that is as far away from normal as you can possibly get? That you are so far removed from normal that you don't even fully know what normal is or ever was? When the days are a blur and normal seems like a distant memory and completely out of reach? At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, this 'not-normal' has been my life for the past eight months.

Back in February when we officially found out that we were expecting baby number three, I had exactly 24 hours to revel in the excitement of new life and remain hopeful that I wouldn't be as sick as the first two rounds. That hope was short lived when I woke up the next morning with intense nausea and vomiting - a familiar but unwelcome friend that reared its ugly head at six weeks on the dot. The next three months were hard. Constant sickness, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, meds, extreme weight loss, and general misery. Trying to direct a preschool, be a wife and mother, and keep up with everything I was involved in proved to be impossible to juggle. I couldn't form a full thought -- let alone an intelligent one. I struggled with knowing my worth. I struggled with letting so many people down. I struggled with feeling so abnormal.

Fortunately, the summer months gave me some relief from constant sickness. I have had to adjust my diet significantly, gluten and dairy have me keeling over in pain. I have dealt with Pelvic Girdle Pain (isn't that a lovely name?!) which causes quite the pain when walking, sitting, laying, standing -- oh wait - mostly every position there is. This last month of pregnancy there has been a lot of pain and stomach issues, exhaustion from lack of sleep, extra appointments to make sure baby girl is growing, and now a lot of swelling as we await this little one's arrival. Let me be clear - I generally respond with 'We're doing good! Excited for baby to get here!' when asked how I am doing. I truly mean it. I am grateful for this life. I am thankful for a healthy baby girl and that I get the chance to bring her into the world.

I have become quite the expert at faking normal to everyone but those that I am closest to. I am convinced that Justin is a saint and has earned many, MANY crowns for his patience through our three pregnancies. Mckinley told me the other night that she is excited to meet baby sister so that she can hold her, and that she is excited for the baby to 'not be in mommy's tummy anymore so that you can feel better', and my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. I long for normal for myself, but I long for normal for my family even more.

While I am forever grateful for pregnancy and motherhood, I long for normal. The other night I was crying in bed next to Justin and was wailing very intelligent sentences like "I am never going to have this baby! I am going to be pregnant forever! I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!" And then I got to thinking - what is normal? What am I even longing for? What am I striving to get 'back to'? Normal is an extremely relative concept, but once I thought about it a little more, I realized that I am longing for MY NORMAL, and this is WHAT I WANT:

-Rolling over in bed in one swift motion with no groaning or wincing.
-Making plans and being able to follow through with them.
-Sleeping.
-Not snapping at the ones I love the most.
-Playing with my kids without pain.
-Eating salsa.
-Remembering things.
-Going on walks.
-Thinking clearly.
-Fitting into my clothes.
-Feeling competent.
-Laughing more than crying.
-Controlling my emotions.
-Tying my shoes.
-Feeling good.
-Drinking a glass of milk.
-Hosting people in our home.
-Loving my husband well.
-Loving my kids well.
-Loving myself well.

Normal. It isn't the same for everyone, but for me it is what I want more than anything right now. Nothing overly crazy. Nothing extreme. Just normal. This sweet babe will be here before we know it. Each day that we wait seems excruciatingly long, but she WILL come, and I can't wait to snuggle her freshness and begin the return to normal.

48 Hours, A Tiny Baby, and a BIG God

It's amazing what can happen in just 48 hours, isn't it?

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for surrounding our family with prayers and encouragement for the past few days. The notes of support, genuine concern, and heartfelt prayers were definitely felt and appreciated.

So here's the story of the past 48 hours.

Two days ago at our checkup for baby girl, my doctor was concerned with my lack of weight gain as well as the size of my baby bump. Through the first three months of this pregnancy, I lost close to thirty pounds from extreme morning (ha) sickness. I have gained about fifteen of those pounds back, but have been at a steady weight for the past couple months. Because of this stall in weight gain, my doctor ordered a growth ultrasound to check the size of the baby as well as a check of  my of amniotic fluid. The growth ultrasound showed that baby girl was measuring very small for her gestational age. Overall, she was measuring in the 10th percentile, which was a much lower percentile than her last ultrasound a few months ago. A specific concern was the size of her stomach, measuring only in the 2nd percentile -- which is obviously very small and not consistent with the rest of her body size. Her estimated weight currently was under five pounds. My amniotic fluid was measuring very low - still technically in the 'normal' range, but as low as it can get to be considered normal. 

After the growth ultrasound on Tuesday, my doctor referred me to a high risk doctor at Akron Children's Hospital. She wanted another ultrasound done, with a few other tests to determine if the baby was getting adequate blood flow and whether or not baby girl should be born now to monitor her outside of the womb. 

Being told that there could be complications in the final few weeks of pregnancy was overwhelming and scary. Not knowing what was going on with our baby girl made us feel out of control and wanting answers. I love feeling her move and kick, but I would feel so much more comfortable if she was here an in our arms and I KNEW she was ok. 

Waiting 48 hours for our appointment seemed like a lifetime. I cried and prayed and worried and cried some more. I didn't sleep. I pictured every possible outcome. I cried some more. I received texts and emails and messages and phone calls from people who love our family so well. I came home to gorgeous flowers on our porch and cried some more.

The song 'Jesus Loves Me' played over and over in my head. This simple song that spoke so close to my heart.

Jesus Love Me, this I know. 

For the Bible tells me so. 

Little ones to him belong. 

They are weak, but he is strong. 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so. 

The amount of love that I have for my babies isn't measurable. Any mom knows this love. Loving your children is the strongest emotion that I think a person can experience. Love so big that I can't even put it into words. It almost hurts how much I love my kids. Not being in control of what happens to them almost takes my breath away. But then I think about the fact that even though the love I have for my babies is HUGE, the love that Jesus has for them is even bigger. Unfathomable. So I reminded myself of this fact over and over and over the past two days. And tried to trust and let go of the control that I didn't even have in the first place. 

So this morning we headed to Akron for our appointment. I was nervous, but I was more anxious about finding out some answers. Our ultrasound was first, and seeing our sweet baby was so reassuring. Our ultrasound technician was wonderful, and was great at letting us know what she was seeing as she performed the ultrasound. She started by reviewing our files from our previous ultrasound noting that the baby was measuring so small, and mentioning the concern about her stomach size and my amniotic fluid. When she started taking her measurements, she kept shaking her head in confusion. 

PEOPLE. Our baby WAS tiny, but our God is BIG. 

Baby girl is still definitely on the small side, but she GREW. In 48 hours. And not just a little bit, she is considered small, but her size is now of NO CONCERN. Her overall size is measuring in the 23rd percentile. Our ultrasound technician measured her stomach probably 25 times, and kept saying, "I don't get it - her stomach is measuring completely normal?!" We are talking 2nd percentile on Tuesday, to 19th percentile on Thursday.

I know that God is beefing this girl up. I know that God made her grow that significantly in 48 hours. I know that God answered our prayers. 

And yet I was surprised. Shocked. Why am I always surprised when God does exactly what I ask for? When he actually goes above and beyond what our prayers are pleading for?

So for now, baby girl is growing inside, and we are waiting for her to make her debut. My fluid level is still very low, so they will continue to monitor the amount of fluid which may mean I will need to be induced sooner than later. Baby girl is in position to start labor, and I am actually having pretty decent contractions on and off today, nothing overly consistent, but enough to know that she may be here before we know it.

Thank you for praying and believing with us. God is so good, isn't he? I know that it is easy to say that God is good when prayers are answered the way that we want them to be. The fact is that He would still be good if we had to update you with 'bad' news. But today we are rejoicing in thankfulness that our baby is growing and strong. 

...they are weak, but HE IS STRONG.