Desiring Normal

Do you ever feel like you are functioning in a way that is as far away from normal as you can possibly get? That you are so far removed from normal that you don't even fully know what normal is or ever was? When the days are a blur and normal seems like a distant memory and completely out of reach? At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, this 'not-normal' has been my life for the past eight months.

Back in February when we officially found out that we were expecting baby number three, I had exactly 24 hours to revel in the excitement of new life and remain hopeful that I wouldn't be as sick as the first two rounds. That hope was short lived when I woke up the next morning with intense nausea and vomiting - a familiar but unwelcome friend that reared its ugly head at six weeks on the dot. The next three months were hard. Constant sickness, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, meds, extreme weight loss, and general misery. Trying to direct a preschool, be a wife and mother, and keep up with everything I was involved in proved to be impossible to juggle. I couldn't form a full thought -- let alone an intelligent one. I struggled with knowing my worth. I struggled with letting so many people down. I struggled with feeling so abnormal.

Fortunately, the summer months gave me some relief from constant sickness. I have had to adjust my diet significantly, gluten and dairy have me keeling over in pain. I have dealt with Pelvic Girdle Pain (isn't that a lovely name?!) which causes quite the pain when walking, sitting, laying, standing -- oh wait - mostly every position there is. This last month of pregnancy there has been a lot of pain and stomach issues, exhaustion from lack of sleep, extra appointments to make sure baby girl is growing, and now a lot of swelling as we await this little one's arrival. Let me be clear - I generally respond with 'We're doing good! Excited for baby to get here!' when asked how I am doing. I truly mean it. I am grateful for this life. I am thankful for a healthy baby girl and that I get the chance to bring her into the world.

I have become quite the expert at faking normal to everyone but those that I am closest to. I am convinced that Justin is a saint and has earned many, MANY crowns for his patience through our three pregnancies. Mckinley told me the other night that she is excited to meet baby sister so that she can hold her, and that she is excited for the baby to 'not be in mommy's tummy anymore so that you can feel better', and my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. I long for normal for myself, but I long for normal for my family even more.

While I am forever grateful for pregnancy and motherhood, I long for normal. The other night I was crying in bed next to Justin and was wailing very intelligent sentences like "I am never going to have this baby! I am going to be pregnant forever! I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!" And then I got to thinking - what is normal? What am I even longing for? What am I striving to get 'back to'? Normal is an extremely relative concept, but once I thought about it a little more, I realized that I am longing for MY NORMAL, and this is WHAT I WANT:

-Rolling over in bed in one swift motion with no groaning or wincing.
-Making plans and being able to follow through with them.
-Sleeping.
-Not snapping at the ones I love the most.
-Playing with my kids without pain.
-Eating salsa.
-Remembering things.
-Going on walks.
-Thinking clearly.
-Fitting into my clothes.
-Feeling competent.
-Laughing more than crying.
-Controlling my emotions.
-Tying my shoes.
-Feeling good.
-Drinking a glass of milk.
-Hosting people in our home.
-Loving my husband well.
-Loving my kids well.
-Loving myself well.

Normal. It isn't the same for everyone, but for me it is what I want more than anything right now. Nothing overly crazy. Nothing extreme. Just normal. This sweet babe will be here before we know it. Each day that we wait seems excruciatingly long, but she WILL come, and I can't wait to snuggle her freshness and begin the return to normal.

48 Hours, A Tiny Baby, and a BIG God

It's amazing what can happen in just 48 hours, isn't it?

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for surrounding our family with prayers and encouragement for the past few days. The notes of support, genuine concern, and heartfelt prayers were definitely felt and appreciated.

So here's the story of the past 48 hours.

Two days ago at our checkup for baby girl, my doctor was concerned with my lack of weight gain as well as the size of my baby bump. Through the first three months of this pregnancy, I lost close to thirty pounds from extreme morning (ha) sickness. I have gained about fifteen of those pounds back, but have been at a steady weight for the past couple months. Because of this stall in weight gain, my doctor ordered a growth ultrasound to check the size of the baby as well as a check of  my of amniotic fluid. The growth ultrasound showed that baby girl was measuring very small for her gestational age. Overall, she was measuring in the 10th percentile, which was a much lower percentile than her last ultrasound a few months ago. A specific concern was the size of her stomach, measuring only in the 2nd percentile -- which is obviously very small and not consistent with the rest of her body size. Her estimated weight currently was under five pounds. My amniotic fluid was measuring very low - still technically in the 'normal' range, but as low as it can get to be considered normal. 

After the growth ultrasound on Tuesday, my doctor referred me to a high risk doctor at Akron Children's Hospital. She wanted another ultrasound done, with a few other tests to determine if the baby was getting adequate blood flow and whether or not baby girl should be born now to monitor her outside of the womb. 

Being told that there could be complications in the final few weeks of pregnancy was overwhelming and scary. Not knowing what was going on with our baby girl made us feel out of control and wanting answers. I love feeling her move and kick, but I would feel so much more comfortable if she was here an in our arms and I KNEW she was ok. 

Waiting 48 hours for our appointment seemed like a lifetime. I cried and prayed and worried and cried some more. I didn't sleep. I pictured every possible outcome. I cried some more. I received texts and emails and messages and phone calls from people who love our family so well. I came home to gorgeous flowers on our porch and cried some more.

The song 'Jesus Loves Me' played over and over in my head. This simple song that spoke so close to my heart.

Jesus Love Me, this I know. 

For the Bible tells me so. 

Little ones to him belong. 

They are weak, but he is strong. 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me! 

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so. 

The amount of love that I have for my babies isn't measurable. Any mom knows this love. Loving your children is the strongest emotion that I think a person can experience. Love so big that I can't even put it into words. It almost hurts how much I love my kids. Not being in control of what happens to them almost takes my breath away. But then I think about the fact that even though the love I have for my babies is HUGE, the love that Jesus has for them is even bigger. Unfathomable. So I reminded myself of this fact over and over and over the past two days. And tried to trust and let go of the control that I didn't even have in the first place. 

So this morning we headed to Akron for our appointment. I was nervous, but I was more anxious about finding out some answers. Our ultrasound was first, and seeing our sweet baby was so reassuring. Our ultrasound technician was wonderful, and was great at letting us know what she was seeing as she performed the ultrasound. She started by reviewing our files from our previous ultrasound noting that the baby was measuring so small, and mentioning the concern about her stomach size and my amniotic fluid. When she started taking her measurements, she kept shaking her head in confusion. 

PEOPLE. Our baby WAS tiny, but our God is BIG. 

Baby girl is still definitely on the small side, but she GREW. In 48 hours. And not just a little bit, she is considered small, but her size is now of NO CONCERN. Her overall size is measuring in the 23rd percentile. Our ultrasound technician measured her stomach probably 25 times, and kept saying, "I don't get it - her stomach is measuring completely normal?!" We are talking 2nd percentile on Tuesday, to 19th percentile on Thursday.

I know that God is beefing this girl up. I know that God made her grow that significantly in 48 hours. I know that God answered our prayers. 

And yet I was surprised. Shocked. Why am I always surprised when God does exactly what I ask for? When he actually goes above and beyond what our prayers are pleading for?

So for now, baby girl is growing inside, and we are waiting for her to make her debut. My fluid level is still very low, so they will continue to monitor the amount of fluid which may mean I will need to be induced sooner than later. Baby girl is in position to start labor, and I am actually having pretty decent contractions on and off today, nothing overly consistent, but enough to know that she may be here before we know it.

Thank you for praying and believing with us. God is so good, isn't he? I know that it is easy to say that God is good when prayers are answered the way that we want them to be. The fact is that He would still be good if we had to update you with 'bad' news. But today we are rejoicing in thankfulness that our baby is growing and strong. 

...they are weak, but HE IS STRONG.

7 Things We've Learned in 7 Years of Marriage

I met Justin Raber in 2004. He was the 'new kid' at school - I was a sophomore and he was a junior. Because our school was so small, I definitely knew who he was, but we had different circles of friends, so we didn't really know each other beyond simple recognition. At the time, I thought of Justin Raber as the kid who was too cool for school with his curly afro, studded belt, black converse sneakers, puca shell necklace, and love of all things music. At one point we stood next to each other in choir, and I realized that he was very nice and extremely polite. A lot of girls were crushing on him, and I was too, but I was not in the market for a boyfriend, and honestly thought I wouldn't stand a chance. 


Fast forward to my senior year. Justin was going to a local college, I was enjoying my senior year. I had decided not to be a cheerleader my senior season, so I was able to simply go to all of the basketball games - and as luck would have it, Justin was always there to watch his brother play. We started hanging out with a group of mutual friends after all the games, and it didn't take long for the two of us to connect. We usually ended up sitting next to each other and laughing and talking nonstop. Through those months we became good friends and if I was being honest, I was falling for him hard. He called one night and asked if I had a date to senior banquet (Christian school 'prom'), and asked if he could take me. I calmly said 'sure!', and then hung up the phone and squealed with giddiness. Banquet was our official first date, and that night when he dropped me off at home he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was a WRECK, and stumbled over every word, I was calm and nonchalant, and then ran in the house and jumped on my sisters bed to giggle and scream and FREAK OUT BECAUSE JUSTIN RABER WAS MY BOYFRIEND. That was 11 years ago.

Our four years of dating were wonderful. I was in college on Mt Vernon, and came home every weekend to spend time with Justin. We talked on the phone every night for hours and covered every topic under the sun. About six months into our relationship, he brought up the fact that he wasn't dating me just for fun, that he was dating me because he saw me as his wife some day. I once again stayed calm and agreed, but hung up the phone and screamed in my dorm room and did a little dance.  The summer before my junior year at college, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. It was the easiest 'yes' I have ever said. We got married on June 26, 2010 and it was the most fabulous day.

Seven years of being married to the man of my dreams. It has been so so wonderful. Not always easy, but always so good. For 11 years Justin has been by my side - that is a big chunk of my life. Although we have had our hard times and struggles, and not every moment has been sunshine and roses, we both agree that being married has not been hard. Choosing to be committed to each other has never been a struggle. I realize completely that this isn't the case for many couples, and so I have been thinking about why our perspective of our marriage is so different than so many people. Why our marriage sometimes seems 'easy' in light of marriages around us.

I think there are a lot of reasons why, and so here are 7, to celebrate our 7 years of marriage!

1) Christ really is at the center of our marriage. It sounds cliche, but keeping a focus on Christ - in spite of everything swirling around us - is what grounds us. Realizing that our marriage is ultimately to honor Christ is such a different perspective. It's not about me, or Justin, or even us as a couple, it is about Christ and what our marriage can do to grow his kingdom. We sometimes get sidetracked from this focus, and have to reset. I promise you though, serving Christ TOGETHER is the best thing that you can do for your marriage. Plus, it's so fun to watch Christ move and work through your spouse.


2) It's about serving. I'll be honest, this one is hard for me. I am a very selfish person. Being married (and having kids) reinforced the fact that I naturally look out for my interests. Thankfully, Justin models this so well for me, and I am learning as we go (and he is beyond patient). Doing things that you might not enjoy, simply because you know that it will help your spouse is so important - and shows your love in such a strong way.

3) Fight fair. As I said before, not every moment is sunshine and roses. Arguments come up. Disagreements happen. He drives you batty. I get irrationally upset. WE GET IT. We definitely have our fights, but one thing that we have never done is take cheap shots at each other - and I think it has strengthened our marriage. In my anger, even if something crosses my mind to say to 'one up' him in a fight, but I realize it would crush him, I DON'T SAY IT. Seriously people, Justin is MUCH better at this than me (notice a trend?!). In our eleven years of being together, he has never said one mean thing to me. We have argued and fought and disagreed, but we intentionally respect each other through our struggles.

4) Laugh. A LOT. I love to laugh, and Justin is a pro at making me laugh- even when I don't want to. Believe me- even if you are in a mood and want to stay mad, but he makes a ridiculous comment, let yourself laugh. Giggle with each other, laugh at each other, and go out of your way to get a smile from your spouse.

5) Communicate. Another cliche marriage tip- but so very important. I think one of the reasons our marriage has been great is because of all the communicating we did BEFORE we ever even got married. We literally talked about everything. No subject was off limits, so we had a very good understanding of what we were getting into when we tied the knot. Communicating throughout everyday life is equally important. With the hectic pace of life, sometimes we have to stop and reconnect just by carving out time to talk to each other. We usually realize we are due for a heart to heart when we get annoyed with each other approximately every other second. Communicating about frustrations we have against our spouse is also vitally important. If we don't, those little frustrations fester and grow into something huge - when communicating early on would diffuse the fire. I can usually tell when something is bothering Justin, and when I ask him what's wrong, he usually says 'nothing' for about two days until it finally comes out. Now, when I ask him what's wrong, I add 'either tell me now, instead of waiting until tomorrow, or if nothing is actually wrong, then start acting normal again" (ha!) But listen - it works!! He usually smiles and then tells me what's bothering him and then we can deal with it right then.

6) Invest in your marriage. Obviously we love our kids, and obviously we love them more than life. But we CHOOSE to love each other - and that is our priority. Making your spouse the priority will make your marriage, your kids, and your life SO MUCH BETTER. So how do we invest? Lots of little ways, some bigger. We have done marriage retreats, date nights, a yearly anniversary overnight trip, you get the picture. Don't think you have time or resources to invest in your marriage? I say line up your priorities, and you will. We don't have much extra money, and even less extra time, but we make it work because it is the priority in our lives. (Ps- we asked for a marriage retreat weekend for Christmas from my parents - and it was the best gift!)

7) Red light rule. Justin implemented this rule when we were dating. If you are in the car and stopped at a red light, you are required to kiss. Still to this day Justin will yell 'red light rule!' and lean over for a smooch. It works. And makes me laugh every time. The kids scream from the backseat, but I highly recommend it.

We only have seven years of marriage experience, so we are in no way experts. I do think God has blessed our marriage, and I am so thankful.

What advice would you add?

Thankful

The past few months have been a crazy ride - but one that I am strangely thankful for. On February 10 we found out we were expecting the fifth member of our family! We were excited, overwhelmed, and praying that maybe I wouldn't be as sick this time around. 

Unfortunately, six weeks on the dot I started the familiar feeling of major nausea.

 Now here's the thing- I used to think 'morning sickness' was mostly in pregnant momma's heads- I mean come on - how bad could it possibly be? Ha! I think God wanted to cure me of my skepticism and give me a little more compassion for these poor mommas-to-be. I have learned that lesson LOUD AND CLEAR. 

Each of my three pregnancies have gotten progressively more difficult, and this one knocked me down almost completely. Vomiting 15-20 times a day and not able to eat or drink put me in the hospital a few times. Losing 25 pounds in less than 8 weeks would normally be quite the achievement- but holy moly that was rough. When the smell of your house, the smell of your kitchen, and the smell of your husband make you run to the toilet, you might start to go a little bit crazy. 

Thanks to meds and the start of the second trimester, I am actually starting to have some good days. Going to the store  for the first time in two months was strangely exhilarating (and exhausting). 

I basically fell off the face of the earth for 9 weeks- and I am so glad to feel more normal again. 

Remember when I said that I am actually thankful for those two months? Let me tell you why:

-I realized how many FABULOUS people I have in my life. So many people prayed for me and for Justin and Kin and Co. Friends brought meals and stocked our freezer so my family could eat. My in-laws watched the kiddos and brought a home cooked meal at least once a week. They kept the babes all weekend when I was in the hospital. My sister got us groceries and came to hang out with the munchkins on her days off. She also held down the fort at work when I couldn't be there. My mom babysat ME almost daily, made sure we had a clean kitchen and food in the fridge, and gave the kids some sense of normalcy. I realize that so many people don't have these kind of people in their lives - and I never want to take them for granted. 

-I realized that my worth isn't dependent on what I DO. This was HARD for me this time around. I couldn't physically do what I normally do. I couldn't be the wife, the mom, the friend, the volunteer that I was used to being, and it messed with me BIG TIME. Laying on the couch for two months gives you a lot of time to think. Physically it was hard, but I wasn't expecting the mental and emotionally battle. A few weeks ago I was struggling a lot, and God decided to teach me a lesson while I was laying on the bathroom floor. I was by myself and crying and wondering if I would ever 'be myself' again, and He gently told me that it doesn't matter. At first I was ticked. And then for the next twenty minutes He and I had a long chat. I try too hard sometimes to DO everything I think I need to do to earn love- from Him and from others. And He wants me to know- it doesn't matter. If I was sick for the rest of my life- my value doesn't change. If I couldn't form an intelligent thought (believe me- somedays my mind was mush) - I still had worth. That thought was mind blowing. I don't think I will ever forget those moments on the bathroom floor. And so I am thankful. 

-You might have noticed that I didn't mention my husband earlier. That is because he doesn't even fall into the same category as those other wonderful people in my life. Justin Raber is a rockstar. For two months he played 'single dad' while also taking care of me. He gets up with the kids in the morning (and through the night), takes them where they need to be, goes to work, calls multiple times a day to check on me, picks up the kids, brings them home, figures out supper, plays with them with so much enthusiasm and love, gives them baths, gets them in bed, holds my hair back when I am sick, gets my meds, sleeps in a chair at the hospital, does all the laundry, cleans the kitchen, takes me to the doctor, encourages me when I am struggling, tucks me in bed and prays for me, and then usually goes back downstairs for a few hours to clean up the house or work on a project in his workshop. EVERY DAY. THIS is what love looks like. I don't deserve it even a little bit, but I am so thankful for him. Being loved by Justin is the absolute best thing. 

-Finally, I am thankful that I am pregnant. I am so grateful for this little life that is joining our family. I am so glad that I am pregnant- no matter how 'hard' it is. These last few months have not been fun, but in the grand scheme of things, this is not hard. HARD is being chronically ill. HARD is not being able to be pregnant at all. HARD is losing a child. This is not hard. This is a blessing that I am so thankful that I get to experience- and I am grateful to have a bigger perspective. So although every moment may not be enjoyable, I am determined to realize that this is good. And for that I am thankful.

Sooo, that is my life over the past two months. Sorry for disappearing for awhile- I am looking forward to reconnecting and feeling more like myself again! 

-Carrie 

 

Let Us Have Friday

Last week on Good Friday, I posted the following update on Facebook: 

"I woke up this morning with thoughts of shopping with friends, what I was going to make for dinner, and if I had everything ready for the kids' Easter baskets for Sunday. A few hours into my day, I realized it was Good Friday, and for the first time in my life, that thought hit me like a ton of bricks. This is long, but bear with me. I have always known what Good Friday symbolizes- the death of Jesus Christ. The day that our Savior DIED. Why have I always skimmed over this? I know why, and it is a decent reason. I want to get to the celebration. I want to get to Sunday. But today, for the first time, the thought of Jesus being dead for three days took my breath away. A world without Jesus. 

At preschool, we talk all year about Jesus- and the students truly learn to love Him. When we read the story of the crucifixion there are always gasps and 'noooo's. I want to feel that shock too. That feeling of desperation and sobering realization of what Christ did for ME. I hope I never skim over the sacrifice that He made. And you better believe that the celebration on Sunday will be huge. 🙌🏼 "

Since Friday, I cannot stop thinking about the fact that we overlook the suffering of Christ. We love the hope. We love the redemption. We are able to overlook the pain because we already know the ending. Christ overcomes death. He saves us. He is not defeated. We honestly don't have to worry about the hard part because of the phenomenal joy that we know is coming. 

Throughout this Easter weekend I have been mulling over these thoughts to the point of distraction. I really believe that God wanted to show me something else, something deeper, and so he drilled it into my head the past few days until I 'got it'. 

I am in no way a writer. I fumble over words and later think of ways I could have said it better. I hope my ramblings aren't misinterpreted or misunderstood, but here it goes. 

I believe that Easter changes everything. The fact that Jesus lives revolutionized the world. His power and love defeated death. Defeated suffering and pain. Brought HOPE. Most Christ followers know these facts and believe them wholeheartedly. These teachings are not my unique thoughts- they are common knowledge in the Christian world and the reason that we follow Jesus. 

But here's the thing. Jesus suffered unimaginable pain and suffering on that Friday thousands of years ago. He DIED. People grieved. People wept. People were angry. And those within their group, those that they considered to be 'their people', most likely did not question their emotional reaction to the death of Jesus. They probably allowed their friends to feel and hurt without minimizing their pain. 

Fast forward two thousand years later. We overlook pain and suffering. We minimize it. And Christians are THE WORST. Now don't be offended. But I really think we as Christians do a horrible job at walking with people through their suffering.  

Our family has gone through unimaginable pain and suffering in the past year and a half. My sister and her husband lived- and are living- through terrible tragedy. Burying two children within 16 months of each other is unspeakable in terms of pain. Add in the passing of our dear aunt and beloved grandpa and we as a family have dealt with a lot of loss. Some days it [still] feels like it can't be real. That there has to be a different ending to our story. 

Grief, pain, suffering, and just hard stuff are all very real and happen without fail to all of us. Pain does not bypass Christ followers just because we have the hope of Christ. And we as a group need to recognize this, and respond in a much better manner. 

Too many times in the past years, we have heard things like: "at least those babies are with Jesus", and "at least we have the Hope of Christ", and "it's a good thing you have faith in Christ, he will see you through." These sentiments were [mostly] said with good intentions, and they are all true. Please do not think that I am ungrateful for the hope that Christ offers- and that I so gratefully cling too. But why, WHY do we so easily overlook the suffering and grief as being REAL. We either minimize it or overlook it entirely. We expect people to grieve quickly and neatly and move right on to the hopeful part of the story. It's what we do with Easter, and it's what we typically do to people who are suffering. 

In my pain, I want my 'people', and especially those who follow Christ, to just hurt with me. To validate that this suffering is HARD. Not to point out a silver lining- because sometimes there isn't one. Yes there is always hope. But sometimes things are just hard. Are just horrible. Are unthinkable and tragic. I want people to surround me and cry with me when I need to weep. The most comforting things that have been said to our family sound more like "I cannot even imagine the pain", or "this hurts. I don't know what to say, but I hurt with you", or even "I will be praying for you as you grieve. As you start this journey that no one wants to travel". 

Recently at a conference I attended, the speaker, Sheila Walsh, talked a lot about pain. She pointed to a verse in Proverbs that I had never noticed. Chapter 25 verse 20 says, 

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." 

Woah. This is what we do so much of the time! We act like the hope we have in Christ negates the pain that we feel. No! Did Jesus rising out of the grave make all that pain he felt only three days before become nonexistent? Of course not. I truly and deeply believe that we sometimes act like it does. We act like the hope heaven means that death does not deserve grief. That suffering does not deserve pain. That hard stuff does not deserve acknowledgement. 

I am probably the worst culprit. Pain and suffering and grief is uncomfortable. I like joy. I like seeing smiles and hearing the laughter that comes with hope. I don't allow others to simply hurt. I don't allow myself to fully feel grief. Because I have hope, right? I know the end of the story- so I should move on quickly and not have messy, grief- filled days. Wrong. We are allowed to weep. We are supposed to feel hurt. We need to walk with people through their darkest days. 

Do we need to make sure our people know about the hope that is in Christ? Absolutely. Does that mean we need to overlook their pain? Absolutely not. We need to be better at simply letting people feel. 

As Christians we HAVE to start doing better. I need to start doing better. 

We will get to the joy of Sunday someday- of that I am fully certain. But today we might need to feel pain.

Let's allow people to have their Friday. 

 

2 Weeks

2 weeks. 14 days. 

2 weeks ago life was normal. We had a quiet Sunday at home and I was preparing to go back to work after Christmas break on Monday. I texted my sister throughout the day, talking about nothing in particular and sending her ideas for her baby's nursery. We were happy. We were hopeful. And we never anticipated what the next 36 hours would bring. 

2 weeks. 2 weeks that feel like a thousand years but also feel like 10 seconds. 2 weeks that have been both surreal and all too real. 

When Emily and Justin told us they were pregnant, we were completely overjoyed. We celebrated. And planned. And prayed for the sweet baby who would join our family. And dreamt of a future with a sweet little baby who would be one month old for our friend-cation. Who would be four months old for our family trip to Disney. Who would be six months old at Christmas. We had big hopes and big dreams. So the phone call I got 13 days ago literally knocked me down. No heartbeat. Emily would be induced at 7pm. She would deliver a baby who was already with Jesus. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Not to the couple who had survived this nightmare just 16months  before. Who had never wavered and had proclaimed the goodness of their God through their worst nightmare. This could not be happening. But it was. And it did. And I was mad. Why?  Why would our loving God allow this to happen to my sister again? To our family again? 

Emily and Justin were strong and focused and Katie Elizabeth Smith was born at 6:42 on January 5. She was loved and held and treasured for the short time that we had with her. She now knows perfect pace in the presence of Jesus and her brother Caden. Heaven is feeling more and more like home now, and we long to be there. 

We rejoice knowing that Katie is with her maker and will never experience pain or sorrow. But here on earth it hurts. It cuts deep. I feel wounded and defeated and confused and angry. My sister and her Justin are undoubtedly the strongest people I know. They are hurting. But they have never doubted the goodness of God. The day after Katie was born, Emily told me that she wasn't angry with God at all. Wow. What? Because I was angry. And still struggle with being angry. Oh I know that God is good. And I know that He has been sustaining us. And I don't love him any less. But I don't understand and so I am mad. My heart is broken and is having a hard time catching up with what my mind knows about our God. That he loves us. And he is good. And his ways are not my ways. 

Grief is hard. And weird. And definitely a process. Grief is also so different for every person. For me, I am grieving the niece that I won't get to snuggle. The niece that I was going to get to spoil. The cousin that my kids were anticipating with excitement. So I grieve. Bitterly. But just as strong as my grief for my sweet niece is, my grief for my sister is just as intense. This is the person who has been my closest friend. The person that I share everything with. The person who loves my kids as her own. The person that I have looked up to for my entire life. The person who I love more than almost anyone. My person. No one should have to lose a child. No one. But it is unthinkable that anyone should have to go through it twice. Especially my sister. My grief for her is strong. Watching someone that you love go through something so terrible hurts so much. I feel physical pain for her. I wish it would have happened to me instead of her again. I would do anything to take away her pain and it makes me so angry that I can't do anything to help or stop her pain. So I grieve. And try to process. And try to trust. 

Emily and Justin's strength and faith are unbelievable. But they are hurting and grieving. Please don't forget to pray. We feel the prayers and are not back to normal life yet. Please don't forget to pray. Pray for strength. Pray for faith. Pray for hope to come again. 

I know that God is good. I know that his love for us is huge. I know that his plan is perfect. I am now waiting and praying that my heart can heal. I know that it will. Because He cares for me and loves me. Even when I am mad. 

Rolling Right Along

Life is rolling right along and I am just trying to keep up with it! Our lives have been packed full and we have been beyond busy throughout the past month, but I would honestly have it no other way.

I have realized that my favorite moments in life are simply being with the people I love, and we have been blessed to be able to do just that over the past weeks!

We attended a dear friend's wedding early in October -- and Mckinley was so excited to get to go and dance the night away!

Justin, Mckinley and I have been working on baby boy's nursery, and we are almost finished! Mckinley is actually a great artist  and her 'perfectionist' tendencies made her wall art projects look fantastic!  My wonderful husband is a master at making my dreams a reality - I find a picture on Pinterest and I just assume that Justin can make it for me - and he always does (without having to spend a fortune!) With a nautical nursery, and a daddy that would spend all of his time on the lake if he could, our son has no choice but to love the water!

We were planning on going to Canada to spend time with Justin's family in October, but my doctor advised us to stay close to home, so we improvised and had a wonderful weekend as a family. Shopping, Build-a-Bear, and a Buckeye's party with friends was a pretty good alternative!

 A few weeks ago my Great Aunt Jan passed away after a battle with cancer. Jan babysat my sister and I when we were growing up, and some of my favorite childhood memories happened when I was with her. She showed so much love and 'adopted' us as her stand-in grandchildren, and I am so thankful that she was such a huge part of my life. I absolutely loved having an 'extra' grandma! I miss her already, but know that she is enjoying life in the presence of her Savior. Every time someone that I love enters heaven, it makes it seem all that more real and tangible - and I truly can't wait to join them some day!

The past few weeks were filled with trips to the pumpkin patch, pumpkin carving, Halloween (with the cutest Minnie Mouse), a flu bug for Mckinley, a visit from Great Grandpa and Grandma Diller, a visit from Uncle Kyle and Aunt Jenny, a girl's weekend shopping with Mama and Emmy, and Uncle Justin's birthday! I absolutely love seeing Mckinley's personality unfold each day, and I am so grateful to have a child who LOVES life. She is happy and pleasant 99.9% of the time and I feel blessed to just get to be her mom.

Even though I love being busy , I have realized that an evening at home eating leftovers, taking baths, giggling until we cant breathe, and extra long bedtime snuggles is my favorite kind of day. I absolutely love my little family!

I am officially 36 weeks and 3 days along with our little man! A few weeks ago, my doctor was concerned that this little guy may come earlier than expected - so I was advised to take it easy in order to keep him 'cooking' a little longer. I have been having a lot of contractions for quite some time and some pretty intense pelvic pain which makes walking and doing normal daily activities difficult. My doctor had hoped that I would make it to this point, and then she wanted me to be able to deliver ASAP (which I am a-ok with). She is afraid that I won't be able to walk at all if I go all the way to 40 weeks.

I had an appointment yesterday, and this is what I learned:
1) I am still pregnant.
2) I am still having contractions and my pelvic bones are still separating.
3) There seems to be little 'progress' as far as the baby coming now. 
4) There isn't much that my doctor can do to speed things along or to help with my pain.
5) My doctor suggested that I quit working and take it easy so that I am not on my feet so much so that I can conserve my energy and hopefully still be able to walk in the coming weeks.
8) And. I am still. pregnant.

After my appointment I was feeling very discouraged. I do not like to complain, but yesterday I had an emotional day. After being in the mindset that this baby would most likely come early, and now being told that we may have several more weeks, I just needed to cry. I am beyond thankful to be chosen to be a mom to my kids, but I think that I am just tired and overly emotional. I am also feeling discouraged because of the amount of pain that I am in. I feel that because of the pain and not being able to move much that I am not able to be a good teacher, wife, or mother. Justin was once again wonderful amidst all of my tears, and reassured me that we would make it through.

Today I woke up with a better outlook and realized that I need to simply rely on God for strength and know that I will have a baby boy to hold in a few weeks time. While I am definitely anxious and somewhat impatient, I realize that we will be a family of four in a (relatively) short amount of time!